Incredibly messy

In some aspects, I am a very neat person. I do my laundry once every week or two, I make my bed in the morning, all the trinkets on my desk are always lined up. But as a person, on the inside, I'm very messy.

The lines in my head are blurred, about what's the most important or what I dedicate the most time to thinking about. In some of my classes, I can't focus enough to take notes because I can't help thinking about a band or a movie. But something that's been snagging me lately is my messy, strewn-everywhere thoughts about college. Where am I applying? When do I have to do it? I'm going to do poorly on the SAT, I should study, I can't study, What do I want to do? What's my major? Will I be able to get a job that I like? That I love? Who am I? What can I do? Sometimes I feel like I don't even know myself.

It can all be overwhelming. This is what my anxiety, my panic feels like. All these things build up, and have you done your homework have you cleaned the kitchen did you remember to get gas? And it suddenly feels like a lot, even though (real) college is a year away. I can't control everything whirling around in my head, and it gets tiring to try.

But there are things I like about having my thoughts as messy as they are: I can make things. I create, I act, I have ideas every second. Ambitious projects that I'll never start on, crazy trips that I don't have money for. I can count on my head to come up with new things, things no one else can see. And I love that. I love being an artist. Inside, even though it might be easier to be a lawyer or banker, I have passion, and oh how I use that passion in liberal arts. A whirlwind of color, of beauty, of new eyes, showing people new ways to think. My scary, deep, uncontrollable mind is an ocean, vast and rich and untamed, wild and free, beautiful chaos. And I wouldn't trade that for being left-brained or file-cabinet-oriented for anything in the world.